Bake Me Up Some Delicious Bread!

The other day I was listening to Bread. You know, the Sensitive Guy band from the 70s? Yeah, that Bread. In any case, I was introduced to Bread a few years ago by my friend Chris (A Sensitive-90s-Type-of-Guy if there ever were one), and I thought they were pretty “groovy,” I believe the expression would be. I really like their songs, but they do seem admittedly kind of dated. Some songs like “Everything I Own,” “Dismal Day,” and “If” are OK despite sounding old-fashioned, because those songs are either kind of mild ballads or bouncy numbers. But when I heard “Anyway You Want Me” and “The Guitar Man,” I just became kind of bummed out because they sound simply old and sad. And some songs that could have been decent, like “Diary” or “Baby I’m-A Want You” are so sensitive that they’ve even grown lactating breasts.

So here is what I think: Bread is good, but Bread could be totally amazing with a bit of chutzpah (and a bigger amp, maybe). This is my challenge, then: All you music fans out there, get out your guitars, plug in your amps, grab your balls, and get to work. What I need is a completely re-done version of Bread’s greatest hits album “Anthology.” It doesn’t need to be as loud as Mötley Crüe or as edgy as Nine Inch Nails, but it needs to be powerful and have that certain, how you say, je ne sais pain, as the French say. Best version I get gets 100 dollars as a reward. Seriously. Mainly, I say that just because I don’t think anyone will take time to re-do even the best songs from Bread’s catalog, but if you do, it’ll be well worth my hundred dollars.

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